| goddamn dreams |
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| 11:35am 27/04/2006 |
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mood:  blah
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I awoke last night Die-Ary with a cold sweet as the window slammed open at 3 in the morning and I was once again awoken from my dream .. we will finally be one he said who the fuck is this guy in my dreams I cannot see his face nor the women but all I see is that same fog coming across a golden bridge and me trying to catch my sword before it go's over the bridge I regonize their voices but I dont know why one of those dream things ya know what I mean ? you know exactly who it is but because its in your dreams you forget and now these constant pain in my heart reegin OMG that pain hurts so bad as if someone reaching in and closing their fists around it .. I have no idea what going on nor do I want to so I guess me my mom and the kids are going out to cali next week yay fun stuff I want to go there by myself I dont know why... I know my original plans for going out there have no more meaning anymore but yet something drawing me ... I'm so confused sometimes I remember back when I used to be so confident and head strong now I'm wearing and doubtful well hell here go's nothing I actually was haning out with ducky last night until the storm started thurndering and raining harder than hell and yet again I was right at my back door putting the key in and I felt breath against my neck and someone whispered soon I turned to see nothing but my bucktoothed dog lol well I guess she must've sneezed or something but goddamnit gave me the fucking jumps and I'm hungry gonna go eat byez Die-Ary |
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| mew |
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| 01:56pm 26/04/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Die-Ary I dont know why but lately I've been feeling like I've been being followed around I just cant put my finger on it this feeling feels so familiar but yet I dont know its so different I hope my past has not come back to haunt me nor the future tales for my own fate I'm so messed up right now doubting reasoning and faith in my self and reasoning in others god do I need to work out I have a feeling I may need all the strength in m body why ... and what about my goddamn dreams wtf do they mean why am I having all these flashbacks and why is she in them ... so I got a call from Ducky the other day saying how much fun it was talking to me ?? when the fuck did I talk to you I said he said: "the other night when you called me and asked if I still knew where you lived and I replied yeah 600 e .chicago st elgin il" I worriedly replied I didnt even know you were still in the state of IL non the less your number he laughed and said: yeah you lier I know it was you I can regonize your voice anywhere except ya kinda sounded pissed that why I'm calling to see if everything alright ...I paused Ducky listen to me it wasnt me I didnt have my cell phone on me that night you got to tell me where that number came from .. He said he didnt know but at least now I can contact him .. anyway I'm getting hungry I'll finish later |
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| Kindom hearts 2 |
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| 03:53pm 31/03/2006 |
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mood:  calm
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Die-Ary I got kindom hearts 2 its then fucking shit I love it cant stop playing it dont know why I'm not playing it lol and oh yeah I got the wonder showzen dvd too ITS THE SHIT!!!! I love it I also got some kickass grinders actaully come to think of wtf am I doing online I'm gonna go smoke and play it ^^ wooohoo bye Die-Ary |
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| Sick and tired |
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| 12:23pm 28/03/2006 |
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mood:  devious music: Insane
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Die-Ary I'm really sick and tired of things I look back in my past entries at all the pain and weekness I was going thru and displaying and relize it was for nothing everyday I try my damndest to act as though I love this woman I am with but I cant act like I love her if I dont its true damn my self for thinking I would be able to feel the same about other people I'm not as good as it as some are lol I bet if they ever found out thats what I think of them they would be pretty pissed at me but I mean it how can you go from being madly insanely in love with someone and then just break up and find someone else to move in with I told her she could've come live with me but neh she did not care enough to I guess I read into lies and was blinded again oh well sali vi it happens and now the woman I still love is even farther away than she ever was before she's out of her imprisonment and still we never talk I wish I would've died when loke tried to stop me that way I would'nt have to listen to what he said every day repeat in my mind lisa's gone trev's moved and ducky's raising a family me .... I'm rotting my body is filling with hate and anghst and I am feeding of it darkening my soul I will succeed in this damned life no matter what I have to do whatever ties I have to break I will fuffill my dreams damnit and one day I will look my long lost lover in the face and tell her I love her and goodbye forever I dont know why I feel so much hate or anghst all I know is that lately I have been losing more and more friends and I've been working constantly not to mention bringing my body back to the peek that it was at during 2 years ago I will become strong again hahaha and as for college well now thats gonna be fun I went to go see what class's they offered and then some kid's were staring at me I thought nothing of it at the time seeing this is what they usually would do with the way dress and all but then I heard one of them say dude that looks like Jean-Luc and I turned and glared they gasped for a sec as if they had seen I a ghost lol well in a way they have the old Jean-Luc they used to know Died a long time ago and now I have become someone else lmao now that I think about it I wonder where loki is I only saw him once last time we saw each other he still has that scar but yet his aura is not as dark as it once was lol maybe me and him are switching lol maybe I should become an unforgiving cutthroat monster that cares not for the disgusting pestilance on this planet called human beings or maybe this is what he wanted all along... I'm tired and depressed I'm going to smoke some fucking weed and work out before I have to go to work anyway DIe-Ary this is the most I've writting in a long time I dont know why I do anyway no one reads this thing anymore and they shouldn't till next time I type Bye Die-Ary |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| The fact that I made this entry is funny now remember have your cat or dog spaid or nutured |
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| 05:10pm 21/02/2006 |
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boko the chocbo: boo guess who?
Ryoko2demon: the plumber?
boko the chocbo: bad guess -raises eyebrow in frustration-
Ryoko2demon: lol, Jean-luc
boko the chocbo: lol Great guess -reads card- that means KAITLIN BLUE come on down to SPIN THE WHEEL -music- (dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna doo doo doo dunna dunna dunna)
boko the chocbo: Alright folks shes going up to spin the wheel]
Ryoko2demon: what if I refuse and make u do it?
Ryoko2demon: alright alright *spins it*
boko the chocbo: -grabs her by her arms and put her agianst the wall and whispers in her ears just slightly licking it in a perverted way- look little girl if you dont spin that fucking wheel I'll kill each and everyone of these little FUCKS in this room and then your sweet innocence will be diseased with my insantionable sex appeal got -burping out a little fire with his forked tongue and glarring reds eyes turns back around to the crowd and says- so lets see how far it go's
boko the chocbo: -wheel spins- beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep ...beep ...beep ...beep ..beep ..beep ..beep .beep. beep .beep
boko the chocbo: CONGRATULATION KAITLIN BLUE YOU WON THE GRANDPRIZE A TRIP FOR TWO TO ME-HE-CO MEXICO ^^
boko the chocbo: wasnt that fun?
Ryoko2demon signed off at 5:08:06 PM.
boko the chocbo: little much? o.o |
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| TIME IS NOW |
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| 12:32pm 17/02/2006 |
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mood: Happy and High
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Alright damnit Die-Ary I need to get my foot on the damn ground I need to start moving forward monday I will finish it then tuesday get my taxes done and then wensday I will play DDR on heavy mode lol o.k. but seriously I cant sit around anymore I need to fufill my dreams I do want to do movie acting and directing them and damnit if I'm not fast about it I will miss my chance to I'm gonna be famous and wealthy call me crazy call me vain but I will I promise myself now just cause I'd be famous doesnt mean I'd want to be extremely just people appreciate my work and if they dont fuck'em I like it and thats all that counts lol and wealthy well anyone can be that even doctors but I am gonna live happy and make my friends the same too ^^ Bye Die_Ary |
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| 02:27pm 24/12/2005 |
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mood:  sad music: Depeche mode:precious
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This really explain my feelings for you nowadays kaitlin I hope you still read my feelings...
Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?
We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through...
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we managed
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we managed
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we managed
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give |
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| ..... |
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| 05:16pm 18/12/2005 |
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mood: depressed
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Die-Ary cold alone and just wishing I could talk to you I wonder if you love me anymore no even care anymore ... or should I even care anymore as it for nothing... it was wasnt it damn you loki... why do I feel so empty why cant I make myself whole once more why THE FUCK CANT I FEEL HAPPY!!!... damnit I need a cigarete and a fucking joint anyway die-ary I'm gonna go drive and smoke as for the rest of you I'm surprised your even reading this and if you are wow bye die-ary |
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| 09:47am 14/12/2005 |
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mood:  weird music: Boytronic:living without you
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Die-ARY I have recently gotten myself a new 94 saturn sc1 stick shift mmm tasty lol and I've totally decked it out with nightmare before christmas shit : Dice,Seatcovers,Floors mats,air freshner, stearing wheel cover, cd case, visor case, and lets not forget last but not least the garbage holding bag yes thats right they made a nightmare before christmas holding bag for your car ^^ not to mention I replaced the head of my stick with a silver skull with ruby eyes and nose ^^ hot as hell but yeah besides it being sex on a stick I think I have everyones present v.v thank god so many bills and so many presents december is the worst month for fucking cash I swear to god OMG YAY! Rikki is visiting me this sunday she is here till the 23 or 24 or some shit she has to meet josh and tom not to mention many others lol that poor girl she leaves illinois for a year and when she gets back she gets attacked with new faces lol. I wonder what some of my friends that I havent talked to in a while are up to alex for one and peach OMG if your reading this your bassist ass is mine boy wtf dont call for two months ???!!! also I wonder how kaitlins doing its so hard not to have her a part of my life I'm always gonna have her stuck in my heart no matter what I do even if I tried to get rid of her I think it would just end up hurting more and more as time goes by so I've figured out its just better to except that for now we're young and need to do other things right now but someday maybe when I'm older in a year or two things will change whoever knows if they do I certainly would like to find out lol ^^ anyway die-ary I have a dance pad thats just been waitng to be DDR A FIED!
BYEZ DIE_ARY!!! |
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| Missing you |
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| 11:33am 29/11/2005 |
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mood:  gloomy music: Depeche mode:Shake the disease
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Die_ary oh how I miss you and oh how the winters air reminds me of two years ago now when I hated the snow and my heart felt so cold but you made it warmer and you made it mended but then you were and now it has ended but still my hearts yours and I wish yours was mine but now I do not hate snow and my love still grows and though we far I still feel like we have never been apart but yet I stare out into the cold as days go by and I grow old and my rooms fills more of a movie that calls to my heart and soul to bring back memories so old -sighs- god memorys can be so weird at times espiaclly when your heart is attached to something... anyway I'm gonna go drink capachino and watch nightmare before christmas maybe I should write more often .
Bye dIe-aRy
I’m not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can’t you see it’s misery
And torture for me
When I’m misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I’ve tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me
Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I’ve got things to do
And I’ve said before that I know you have too
When I’m not there
In spirit I’ll be there
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me |
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| 11:47am 02/11/2005 |
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Come with me
Into the trees
We’ll lay on the grass
And let the hours pass
Take my hand
Come back to the land
Let’s get away
Just for one day
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Metropolis
Has nothing on this
You’re breathing in fumes
I taste when we kiss
Take my hand
Come back to the land
Where everything’s ours
For a few hours
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me hear you
Make decisions
Without your television
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone let me hear you crying
Just for me
yeah and more
There’ll be times
When my crimes
Will seem almost unforgivable
I give in to sin
Because you have to make this life liveable
But when you think I’ve had enough
From your sea of love
I’ll take more than another riverfull
And I’ll make it all worthwhile
I’ll make your heart smile
Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That’s how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me
Will you take the pain
I will give to you
Again and again
And will you return it
There’ll be days
When I’ll stray
I may appear to be
Constantly out of reach
I give in to sin
Because I like to practise what I preach
I’m not trying to say
I’ll have it all my way
I’m always willing to learn
When you’ve got something to teach
And I’ll make it all worthwhile
I’ll make your heart smile
Pain will you return it
I’ll say it again -- pain
Pain will you return it
I won’t say it again
I give in
Again and again
I give in
Will you give it to me
I give in
I’ll say it again
I give in
I give in
Again and again
I give in
That’s how my love goes
I give in
I’ll say it again
I give in
It’s the dark night of my soul
And temptation’s taking hold
But through the pain and the suffering
Through the heartache and trembling
I feel loved
I feel loved
As the darkness closes in
In my head I hear whispering
Questioning and beckoning
But I’m not taken in
I feel loved
I feel loved
From the depths of my emptiness
Comes a feeling of inner bliss
I feel wanted, I feel desired
I can feel my soul on fire
I feel loved
I feel loved |
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| 12:18pm 09/09/2005 |
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empty |
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| Gone |
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| 07:47pm 29/08/2005 |
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Die-Ary I'll see if I'll be back tonight lets see if I still got what it takes to do some damage with my fists |
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| Hate |
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| 12:41am 29/08/2005 |
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Die-Ary I havent written in you in oh so long but now seems fitting espiaclly since the woman I once loved has become a slut or that there of but sali vi I need no one that cause's me such greif nor fucking headaches but in my life now I dont have to work as much anymore so I actually have time for women ^^ which makes things better although you wont see me getting into any relationship soon not at all I am very spitefull towards most relationships but yeah works good great money I still have yet to sell yee old pimp van but no worries it will be done and then comes my new fucking escort woot woot |
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| Looks like a sespool but feels like a sneaker |
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| 01:41pm 29/04/2005 |
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mood: chipper music: Depeche mode:enjoy the silence remix
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Die-Ary I feel like I can be a real ass when I wright what my mind thinks but my heart only refers to at some times but hey words are just that words they're said and gone and unless you keep saying them they're forgotten half the time but yeah hmm I need to get some damn mints I hate eating food and having that awful after taste yuck >.< anyway yeah I'm bored and my computer actually working for once so I decided to jump on and oh yeah kaitlin you forgot to freaking call me back oh well still love ya anwyay dont wanna wright anymore bye die-ary |
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| 02:30pm 23/04/2005 |
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mood:  pissed off
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Die-ary ya know what fuck this if I cant even have privacy weither it matters or not its bullshit I mean seriously fuck man if its that hard to be with me than people dont even bother trying to be just run away from it all like everything else and fucking point fingers and shout out lies and reason why I must be the cause well ya know what fuck this shit I'm not gonna put up with it I'm gonna go smoke myself a big fucking BLUNT! and smoke a newport for the sweet fucking menthol and ya know what whos gives a shit its no wonder people dont pick up their phone |
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| 05:57pm 11/02/2005 |
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Long after midnight, on a night like this
I'd sit by my blacklight and dream of your kiss
pulsating music filled my room and my head
and I dreamed what it'd be like to have you in my bed
I'm your best nightmare
And then it happened, you were in my arms
your lips on my throat- your hands on my, on my...
two bodies together the intimate sin
the pain and the pleasure could do mortals in
how could you know what I'm thinking of
to me lust can be as beautiful as love
here tonight, your pure heart and soul
untainted passion should have no control
She asked me if I...
I told her the truth
I said I'm sorry it takes me longer than you
she smiled and blushed and continued to grind
and promised to make me go out of my mind
returning her promise she came to a halt
licking my lips I tasted her salt
then she sat up and gasped and clutched at her breast
I thought she was coming- I'd never have guessed that
as she grew pale, as white as a flower
she collapsed to the floor and was dead in an hour.
I'm your best nightmare |
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| 12:49pm 11/02/2005 |
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If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, lick them until they scream, then screw them until both of you are senseless and unable to screw anymore, then wait about five minutes and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in YOUR journal. |
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| 04:58pm 10/02/2005 |
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If you've been hiding from love
If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from
If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of
And i'm only here
To bring you free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why i'm running scared
Now you understand why i'm running scared
I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And i haven't been getting anywhere
No i haven't been getting anywhere
And i'm only here
To bring you free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
Hey girl
You've got to take this moment
Then let it slip away
Let go of complicated feelings
Then there's no price to pay
We've been running from love
We've been running from love
And we don't know what we're doing here
No we don't know what we're doing here
We're only here
Sharing our free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah! |
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ventrey's journal